So I spent the past ten days up in Kansas City, Missouri. I stayed with my aunt and uncle for a week out of the ten days; I stayed with my cousin for the other three. We did a few things up there. Aside from gaining ten pounds off of my aunt's wonderful cooking, my aunt, uncle, and I went to a museum. The museum we went to was a mental health museum up in St. Joseph, Missouri. We spent a few hours looking at the progress of mental health care. I had a few hallucinations while we were there, but I managed to pull thru. I only had to take one emergency med when I was there.

Unfortunately, not all of the trip was well. My eleven year old cousin really knows how to press buttons on the old piss offo meter. What really got my goat was when he started to look at me, giggle, and masturbate. It was rather nasty. He also made it clear that he likes two girls, one cup. For those who are not familiar with 2 girls one cup, it is two lesbians taking a shit in a cup and then eating it. Another cousin that I have is three, going on four, years old. He is very friendly and energetic; also quite playful. "Up, up!" he yelled at me. This cousin also asked, "Do you want to be a lesbian with me?" Lord only knows where he learned the definition of "lesbian" at.

I plan on going back on October 21st of this year. My aunt has her 65th birthday on September 13, 2010 . I plan on saying this early...happy birthday, Aunt Sissie! My aunt is also helping me with my Japanese. We are considering purchasing Rosetta Stone. I will gladly split the cost . I am feeling rather ill at the moment. Ragweed has come off a case of hay fever for me. I haven't had hay fever for a few years . On a side note, I had my picture taken while I was up there. Here it is!

I am getting pretty good at Team Fortress II. On the simulators I score average on the highest difficulty. I remember two weeks ago I was on easy and normal difficulty was bossing me around. I love the heavy class. He's slow but he packs one hell of a punch! Many thanks to Kesha, a good friend of mine, for sending me Deus X: Game of the Year Edition, for Steam, as a gift. I don't know exactly why he sent it to me, but I sure do thank him: it is fun as hell! I want to get Counter Strike: Source and play around with that again. I played the original Counter Strike in my programming class in high school. I was pretty good at it; Team Fortress II is totally different. It is hard as hell for me to aim. As I said earlier, I am getting better. That is all I can ask for--improvement .

Some of you may be aware that I have changed my name in certain places on the internet. My name will remain a constant on this blog. That name is "nerd". I am not giving up the name Nerblog. The name I switched to on all the forms I visit is "Ayanami" (os in Rei Ayanami off of Neon Genesis Evangelion). I go by "Ayanami" on forums and all IRC rooms that I am in. So if you are looking for me on IRC, look for "Ayanami" instead of "nerd/neRd". You can still call me "nerd" in chat rooms, e-mails, and forums if you like, I just might be slow to reply. Plus if I changed my name on my blog, I'd have to think of a whole new name; Ayablog? (ew). Nerblog will always be there!

Yesterday was a free-for-all on waffles. Someone spent 643,772 points to grant every one on the website got a free leech for 24 whole hours! Everyone downloaded their asses off. Personally, I recieved about 22 torrents. My ratio is now up to 0.88 with 155 points. How did that guy get 643,772 points to get everyone a free leech day? I mean, how can one individual get that much music? Oh well, I guess that I'll never know!

Today was the birthday of my late Granny, she would have been 87 years old. I miss her with all my heart and just know that she, along with the grandfather I never knew, are both in heaven. Granny, I will always remember you for your sweet personality and ability to never say no to a beer . I love you, granny~

The heat here in Missouri is brutal. Granted places such at Phoenix and Death Valley are far worse. The humidity here in J-Town makes for temperatures of around 95 degrees Fahrenheit (35 degrees Celsius). That makes for heat indices of around 105 degrees Fahrenheit (~41 degrees Celsius). It is even hotter than hell inside. I am in this back room where it is nice and cool; thank God for air conditioners! The main room of the house has a huge air conditioner, so that's nice as well. The dining area and kitchen however, are almost boiling in comparison to the other rooms!

I want to go swimming, but I just don't have the funding to do so. I think it is $2.00 to get into the public pool. I guess I could go swimming at the local YMCA. That is if there are no classes going on at the time. It seems that every time I look in the pool area, it is either full with old people doing aqua aerobics, or the pool is closed. My mom and dad used to have a pool, but due to certain circumstances, they sold it. What can a guy do to beat the heat outside?? I have been going for walks around noon and boy is that a mistake. I can only go for about one mile in this heat; I am ashamed of that. I refuse to wake up early to walk, but I guess I could try to put my walk off into the evening time. I would ride a bike to get a breeze going on, but someone stole my bicycle a few eons back.

One last matter of business. I have changed my AIM account. It is now AyanamiRE. Here is the updated contact information as of 6/25/10. Oh and to my friend Stosh...lay off of the furries!

• E-mail: agardner210@gmail.com
• AIM: AyanamiRE
• MSNIM: agardner210@hotmail.com
• Skype: ceilx11
• Y!M: ceil210
• Google Talk: agardner210@gmail.com
• IRC: irc.jcink.com/#jcink.com & irc.kbfail.net/#snoopy

Well as far as mood goes, I have been feeling pretty down over the past few days. Perhaps it is the rediscovery of Stranger than Reality and Stranger than Reality II. I am just as lonely and as scared as before. Last night was especially as bad. I kept hearing and seeing all sorts of things. Things that I have seen and heard before: scary things. I kept seeing, hearing, and feeling the man in the hat. I also kept seeing Cat, but that is really nothing out of the ordinary. My parents and I think that reviewing Stranger than Reality and Stranger than Reality II have sort of "stirred the pot" and brought forth old, and quite bad and painful memories. Either way I am still painfully lonely; I seek companionship of some sort. Anyone but my parents...one might say that I am seeing love of some kind. Not the kind of love you get from family, but one you can get from (preferably) a female, or even a male, companion. Loneliness is a painful and truly bitter pill to swallow. I am praying and begging to the Lord God and Jesus to help me with my situation. Either with helping me find a companion, or easing my pain through spiritual means. I don't know what exactly it will take to alleviate my pain, but I am constantly working toward a remedy.

On a totally different subject manner, a good friend of mine has graduated this year from the University of Missouri (Mizzou). He majored in, I think, mathematics and minored in computer science and Russian. At this moment, his brother told me that my friend is currently in Russia. All I have to say to this subject is... GG . You worked hard and deserve to get what you have earned.

Today I got my mangy paws on a copy of Wrestlemania XVI. I haven't watched it yet, but I am going to look into it just as soon as this post is put up. I will post again either tomorrow or Saturday. Take care, my friends . Remember, If you want to talk to me for any reason, see the contact information box on the lower right side.

About four years ago, I wrote an entry entitled Stranger than Reality. It was about my then struggle with the battle of schizophrenia. Now I am going to plunge deep into my mind again and share my innermost thoughts with you, my readers. These are current thoughts, about four years later. I was 18 at the time. I am doing much better now . If you have any questions or have problems in understanding what I said, feel free to e-mail me or catch me on MSN Messenger or AIM. I might even be on IRC.



Traces of voices still bounce around up all around the deep corners of my mind. They not only say my name, but they also give over commands. Please stop...make it stop...the Pain is unbearable. I tell them what they want to hear; it pleases them, yet the voices plague me. Not as bad as they were, but they are persistent in the process of taking control of my mind. Mother...Father...help me. Make It stop; make the voices go away. I have no comfort...Cat is gone, so where can I find relief in my painful struggle. Please give me relief such as Cat did.

STOP

The voices are deluded now, solace is on the horizon. I still feel pain on a day by day basis...Mother...Father...help me, please. I see Cat everywhere, but Cat is dead now. What am I supposed to do without Cat?? I am...lost without him...who willl make me happy? I am too lonely without him. But he is alive...he is real...I am petting him right now. Such a good, well-mannered cat. I am still told that Cat is dead. STOP LYING TO ME! HE IS REAL, I AM REAL! WHY ARE YOU FEEDING ALL OF THESE LIES TO ME?!.

STOP

Reality...what is reality. I see Cat on my lap...isn't he dead? No, he can't be dead, this can not be reality; I feel him though...I feel Cat, therefore it must be reality. WHY CAN'T I FEEL CAT? WHERE IS CAT? Cat is here, everything is going to be alright. No, Mother...no, Father...he is here. STOP LYING TO ME, HE IS HERE! You say he is gone...he is here...THIS IS MY REALITY!

STOP

Reality is where I am. Everything that I perceive to exist is part of Reality. NO...YOU ARE WRONG; I AM NOT GONE...help.... Loneliness...bitter loneliness. I want to cry, but I cant bring forth the tears. Tears are not a part of reality. All that I live and know is loneliness. I see nobody in reality. I AM REAL! I AM REAL!! I AM REEEEEEEEAL! Cat is real, I am real, I AM NOT REAL; I AM...

"Mommy........help me mommy.......reality is scary. Don't let the man in the hat get me, please. Mommy......daddy........save me from myself....."

STOP

Will everything be alright? Can I cry again? Will I be lonely forever? Am I...real? Help...me...someone...anyone....everyone...save me from reality; I don't exist--I DO EXIST. Someone bring me solace, understanding, anything to my reality. Please...

First of all I want to wish all fatherly figures a great, happy Father's Day! Don't forget to treat your fathers with the utmost respect that they deserve. For my dad's present, my mom got him an mp4 player. Of course being the poor man that I am, I could not pitch in; I said that the gift was from me as well . Hurray for people who have only $30.00 / month for spending money! I do odd chores / jobs for extra cash, but those are hard to find. I would give my grandpa something, but Dirty Grandpa deserves nothing but a fat cock in the ass.

Guess what I did last night?? I finally beat Lufia & the Fortress of Doom! I got my characters in the 70 to 75 range, so the sinstrals were very, very, easy for me to beat. The ending was a shocker. I am not going to say anything just in case a reader decides to pick up the game. You can probably get by at level 55, but as I mentioned eariler, I love to grind [monsters]. Tonight I am going to start on Lufia II: Rise of the Sinstrals. I just hope that this sequel is just as fun and mind-numbing as the first game! Here is an image of the final screen of the game.

I would like to extend a wish to Mary C. who attends the church I go to. She is on her last leg and may be leaving our world soon. Please extend your prayers to her and her family. Pray for her, her family, and her loved ones to get everyone through these difficult times. Pray for her husband, Steve, as well.

That's all for now; I'll post again on Wednesday or Thursday.

I mananged to get my hair cut today. It's as short as ever; just the way I like it . Now my hats will fit even better! I did manage to find my shamrock hat, so I'll take a picture of that soon . I recived a CAT Scan earlier this morning to get a check up. By Monday I should know the results . I am almost done with Lufia--my levels are 44-50 now. I found a place where I can get 14k exp (BIG MONEY$$$).

I don't know what else to post today. I will post either on or before next Wednesday (June 23).

I've been grinding for quite a bit in Lufia over the past few days. Three days ago, I was in the level 24-27 range. Now with about one and a half to two hours of grinding per day, I am in the 36-42 range. My Jerin is lagging behind rather badly in levels and I don't know why. I hear that level 50 is what you really need to beat the Sinstrals at the end of the game. I am however, shooting for 60 just to make things fun. I just love to grind in RPGs; it gives me a feeling of POWER! It is also fun to just sit there for hours mindlessly killing the same enemies over and over. I don't know why, it's just what gets my jolly off. I am currently at the Elba and Ulupp islands. The enemies are so easy for me...of course they are far below me in levels...ahh how I love RPGs.



Speaking of RPGs, I just got a copy of Super Mario RPG! It is like a baby version of Paper Mario. I am playing that when I get tired of levelling in Lufia. I hope it's a challenging game. The only challenging game I have played was World of Warcraft on a PVP server. I chose this simply because members of the opposite faction are constantly teaming up on you! I first rolled alliance and thought the horde faction was bad at this, but once I went to the horde side...well let me just say that the alliance are like wolves: you see one and there is bound to be at least 4 more with them.

Thanks to a good friend of mine, I am now stocked up on games. I have ZSNES and Nesticle. This guy gives me every snes game ever made, and he tops it off with every nes game ever made. I don't know where to start! I'm just taking them on one at a time. I am not playing Earthbound again, that's for sure! I find it boring and pointless. Just my two pennies .

I am almost done with Neon Genesis Evangelion for the umpth time. I am also watching End of Evangelion (again) and Death and Rebirth (again). For the first time, however, I will be watching the "new" movie, Evangelion 2.22: You Can (Not) Advance. This is all I feel like posting for today. I am getting a haircut on Friday...might post then. See you all later!

Nothing much has happened since my last post. I have been playing SNES almost non stop. I have mainly been playing Lufia & the Fortress of Doom. I have Earthbound too, but I don't really much care for it. I think that Lufia dominates the RPG circuit on the SNES .

I also have a copy of Harvest Moon. I haven't played it much, but it's kind of fun. Let us not forget Super Bomberman! There's also The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. There are lots of games I want but don't have. One of these is Super Mario: Legend of the Seven Stars.

People have been asking me to go back to World of Warcraft; I keep telling them no, but the little fuckers are persistent! I used to love that game. I had about 150 days of pure playtime. That's not hours, that's days; almost half a year of solid playtime! I had a human priest (Ceil) and a gnome mage (Bath). I had Ceil to level 60, which was the max of the time, and Bath was around 57-58 ish. I also had a night elf warrior that I got to 60. She was also named Ceil. I have not played WoW ever since they raised the level cap to 70, then again to 80! I would like to check out the new raid dungeons...and own people with Bath's frostbolt . Bath had 2000 hit frostbolts, and she had no raid gear (being below 60). In fact, the reason I quit was because of the level cap increasing. That and it was eating my life alive! I would rather waste my time playing console RPGs instead of MMOs.

Well, readers, I have to go back to Lufia for now. I'm getting the gamers itch...the itch to spend 2-3 hours levelling . Also to those who celebrate, happy Flag Day!

Ever wonder about where I live? I have shown you, my readers, the external viewings of where I reside. Now with some photo magic, I will show you the back room; aka. the room where I spend most of my time. I have pictures of this room. They include my bed, TV, walls, and other corners of the room. I went from living in a 4 room apartment to being back with my parents; I have my schizophrenia to thank for that. This room is in the back of the house, and has a tiny air conditioner to keep me cool. I have 99.9% privacy back here, my parents just usually call my cell phone when they need me or anything. So without further delay, here are some pictures!

Let's start with my bed. It's huge; queen size. It's soft and I spend most of my free time, about 50 percent of it .



Now for the place where I spend about 30 percent of my free time, my desk! Yes, when I am not playing games, sleeping, working out, or going out to places such as church, I am at my desk!



...and for the top of the desk I decorate it with my good luck nekos!



Where I play games at and watch TV....my TV! There's also a good shot at my wall; a painting and my clock .



Now for the best, and final photo. DOMO ON MY LAMPPOST!



That's all for now. I'll post no later than next Monday. Take care, folks!~

I have been having the most bizarre dreams over the past week or so. They involve me either being in my old high school, or at the local university. All of them involve me being with a beautiful girl. Each dream has different people and different circumstances.

The first one that I remember was me being under a lockdown at a mental facility and plotting a way out; they were physically abusing us. I managed to escape and made it to my home. After finding that not only my home, but the whole down had been captured and killed. I then saw a woman with short, jet-black hair. She said her name was Christina; and we decided to team up and head for safety. We thought that the high school was safe. There were armed guards at the school and they were hell-bent on enslaving us. We then ran to a local convince store; there we ran into a crazed gunman. He captured my friend and tied me up. He said that even if I blinked funny, she would die. To sum this dream up, I snuck out when he wasn't looking and I pried the gun out of his hand and shot him. Me and my female friend then fled to Kansas City and got married. The dream ended there.

The second one that is noteworthy involves me and my high school crush at the local university. Well it was like The Tommyknockers. I guess me watching it had an effect on me . We went to a wooded area and dug again and again. Basically it was digging and sex, digging and sex. It was, overall, a very good dream .

The dreams were on repeat until last night. This final dream took place at the university. The inside of the school was like a gigantic mall. All of the classrooms were little stores. As usual, I found my friend with the short, jet-black hair and we hooked up. It was all fun until Russian planes started to bomb the town. We were with a ton of people that headed to a bomb shelter. As much as I questioned a bomb shelter being in a university that was like a mall, I didn't hesitate one bit. I grabbed [her] hand and we ran downstairs. As soon as the bombing stopped, the whole mass of people ran out and drove off in their cars. I (for some reason I don't drive) ran with my lady friend to my church; it seems calming there. After awhile, an asteroid impacted on Earth. That is when my dream ended.

Sorry if I bore you with my dreams. I just felt like sharing .